Fearless Wonder

12.21.09

Dearest Phoenix-

When you were born, I was a mess. I never really liked kids. They seemed to annoy me. I was a very impatient person (I've gotten a little better). Yet, when you were born, it wasn't impatience that I battled mostly with but fear. Fear gripped me because you were so perfect, brand new, and anything bad that happened to you I felt like was now on me... it would be my fault. That responsibility, as warped as was my interpretation of it, rested so heavily on my shoulders. Is God serious? I am supposed to know what the heck I am doing? I mean, I am barely responsible for myself... now a family. 

However Phoenix, you were a different story. You came out a fearless wonder. A WONDER! Here I was a mental mess and you seemed to have an "old soul" thing going on. Don't get me wrong, you had your moments, but you had a way of calming me at times. Even when you were in process of coming out of my tummy, I sensed you telling me to be calm, that you knew what to do and to just get out of the way. Seriously Phoenix, that "knowing" was the only thing that kept me halfway sane through 12 hours of natural childbirth (more of that story later). I constantly worried about you. Are you breathing? Are you sleeping enough? Did you have enough poops in the diaper acceptable to the pediatrician? Are you showing any allergies? Is your blanket covering your face in the crib? Are you getting enough protein? Are your feet cold? Am I showing you enough love? Are you going to be accepted in high school? Will my fears rub off on you, ruining your amazing innate strength? I mean, I was a nut. 

I have to say, I have chilled out. I am not totally delivered from that bondage, but I am getting there. At least when you start sneezing, I don't immediately assume it's a rare disease that you will die from. I realize that no matter how well I try to do everything right, life happens. I realize that I need to let go and trust that your life is ultimately in the hands of the One who knows more about what you need than I do and who has authored your life. When I think on that fact, peace comes. When I respond to that fact, peace stays. 

At three years, you are a strong person son. You always have been. You still have a calming quality that puts others at ease. You are a special person.  

You are a fearless wonder Phoenix. Maybe someday you will give me some tips.

You are my heart.    

Who Will You Be?

12.19.09

Dearest Phoenix-

 

As you grow, I am always wondering what kind of person you will become. Not so much what you will become, but who you will become. Now that you are in your third year of life, I am starting to see the core of your personality, what moves your heart, your relationship with yourself and others. I like what I see. I am amazed that you could be my boy. When reflecting on my life, I am in wonder over the fact that such a brilliant beam of light could belong to me. Oh Phoenix, if you knew my story. If you could only know the road that has been traveled up till now, you probably would be amazed along with me. I can honestly say you have gotten the best of me. I can’t say that others have gotten from me what you have, but that is something that is still a work in progress. All I know is that you have gotten all of me… the best of me. Learning to give you my best didn’t come overnight. The “best” in me actually was birthed in the process of being your mother. Oh Phoenix, if you knew what a miracle you helped create in me. If you knew, you would see yourself as an angel sent from God to the earth to help bring love and grace to humanity. The details of that journey will unfold as I write you these letters. I have decided to do so because there is so much to learn, understand, and grow as a person from them. These letters will be a part of my “best” being given to you. My hope to that you grow to be the person that this world needs. A loving, tender, warm, compassionate, wise, strong, resilient, generous, and persevering person that keeps the brokenhearted close to heart and uses talents given for those with no champion.

You are my heart.